Life... or something like it...

I have learned some big lessons lately, and the biggest has been that I deserve to stop second guessing myself and I deserve to stand up for myself, and for others. So this post is all about that...

From this moment on, I am choosing to own my voice, to stand in my power. I have stayed silent for way too many years now. That ends today. This is my disclaimer: I am not out to hurt anyone, or to ruin any lives. I know that some won't believe me, and that is your choice. I know who has my back, and I may find that others I never thought would have my back will step up for me. You may read this and choose to say nothing, you may read this and choose to cut me out of your life. You may read this and choose to be angry with me. Be angry, but know that I will not participate in your anger. I will respect your choice, and leave it at that. My purpose here is to break my silence. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not looking for sympathy, or to throw myself a pity party. I am simply stretching out of my comfort zone.

One thing that has kept me silent for so long has been the fear of other's reactions, the fear that I would lose people that mean so much to me, but at the same time, I have always said that if someone can't accept me for who I am, they don't deserve to be in my life anyway, but more importantly I deserve to have people in my life who love and respect me, who support me 100%, who will always stand by my side and believe me.

I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD (the complex part referring to multiple traumas) and Anxiety Disorder. Because of these disorders, I deal with nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks and body memories, stemming from being sexually abused by multiple perpetrators between ages 2 1/2 and 14. The first being my brother, then my cousin, then my grandpa. During the same time period my grandpa was abusing me, I was also abused by my mom's boyfriend (who ironically reported my grandpa when he walked in on it), then by a stranger, then a friend's boyfriend. The most severe, most extensive abuse was by my grandpa. It lasted for 4 years, between ages 5-9, and during the time he babysat me (while my mom was at school, and Granny was at work), he tortured and raped me. These incidences are what trigger about 98% of my PTSD symptoms. With body memories, I feel the physical pain as if it was happening in present day, because not only does my brain remember, but my body does too. With flashbacks, it's like seeing myself in a movie that I can't turn off. I know that this is going to be hard for a lot of people that read this to digest. I know many of you who knew him, know a totally different side of him. I knew that side of him too, and I wish that was the only side I saw. I also know that I am not the only one that saw his dark side, but the others that have told me about their experiences with him have chosen to remain silent, and I will respect that.

I will continue to write about my journey through this, from him almost getting caught when I was 9, to me finally coming forward at 14, to me trying to prosecute him when I was 22. I am guessing that there isn't one person in his life that he told about that, because I am sure I would have gotten some backlash if he had. He didn't want anyone to know. He actually ran to Arizona when the heat was put on him, then returned only when the grand jury wouldn't take the case, because they determined there wasn't enough evidence. It had been too long.

This is scary to put this out there. This is a moment I have wanted to embrace for so long, yet I let my fears hold me back. It's time for me to be brave and vulnerable.. Time for me to claim my life... To speak my truth, even if my voice shakes.